Needing Courage
by Hitokun
Summary: Alcohol is a conduit for bad choices, for spontaneous confessions, and for trying to forget whatever's haunting you. However, between Jennifer Jareau and Emily Prentiss, alcohol makes things both easier and more difficult. A simple exchange and misconstrued feelings hide much more complex emotions. JJ/Emily


" _The secret to happiness is freedom. The secret to freedom is courage."_

– _Carrie Jones_

* * *

Alcohol is liquid courage, a false sense of security that lulls you into thinking that you're not in control of your actions. Loss of inhibitions, make-believe bravado, and even a natural relaxation method…There's nothing easier or more accessible than drowning your insecurities in _liquid courage_.

However, despite the moniker, there's nothing more cowardly.

In all her years working at the BAU, slaving away as an undercover agent, and even at Interpol, Emily Prentiss was anything but a coward.

The FBI agent wanted to take the easy way out, to chalk it all up to the alcohol and impaired decisions. She wanted to believe that she'd had too much to drink. She wanted nothing more to give into her base desires, to shatter her moral compass. No matter how strong the urges were, she couldn't be both a coward and a liar. She'd only had three drinks tonight, and one of them was a club soda.

"Em, where are you…?"

Emily swallowed hard at the voice that was edging past 'too close'. Even in the crowded room and through the blaring music that pounded through her veins, she heard Jennifer Jareau's voice crystal clear. It sent a shiver down her spine, bringing her back to reality. She could smell the mix of alcohol between them, amplified by spilled drinks, drunk patrons, and the bar just a few metres away from them. Emily made a mental checklist, going over the whiskey, the scotch, the five rum and cokes that JJ had downed before becoming so…clingy.

She leaned away from the woman who had her arms around her waist, fists tangled in her silk shirt. She tried to keep a safe distance, a _platonic_ distance.

"JJ…" Emily managed a stiff smile, not even trying to match the goofy grin on the blonde's face.

JJ simply leaned in again, putting her weight heavily on Emily's strong but slender shoulders. Her arms snaked around the taller woman's neck, drawing them in again. "You seem far away. What are you thinking?" JJ grinned again, cocking her head slightly as she fixed her blue eyes on Emily's smouldering chestnut ones.

The brunette stiffened, trying to keep her distance again, but she couldn't help but lean into the warmth of her best friend's slim and toned body. God. Emily clenched her jaw as she thought about JJ's slim waist, her full hips, and washboard abs. JJ was gushing about this crossfit thing recently and _God_ …Emily was getting distracted by her memories of JJ lifting her shirt in the change room just last week, asking her to feel her taut stomach.

Emily turned away, taking a sip from the very drink she confiscated from JJ a half hour ago. The rum and coke was sweet going down, wetting her painfully dry mouth. JJ mimicked Emily's movements, sipping from a newly acquired double shot of whiskey some desperate guy bought for her. It was impossible for Emily to win this game, not when men continued to ply the blonde with alcohol, despite catching sight of her golden wedding band.

"There you go again…so cold tonight, Em." Tangling her hands in Emily's lightly curled locks, JJ walked her fingers across the nape of the woman's neck. She could hardly contain her delight as she saw Emily's eyes harden, struggling to contain her shudder. "Maybe I could warm you up a bit."

"I think maybe…you need a coffee, Jayje…" Emily deflected the innuendo expertly, suppressing the urge to play along. If this were any other time, any other woman except for the married Jennifer Jareau, Emily wouldn't have a problem.

Looking over JJ's shoulder, Emily glanced around the crowded bar, her eyes skimming the masses for familiar faces. She picked out Morgan making some crude joke while surrounded by a gaggle of ladies. Nearby, Reid was fidgeting uncomfortably, regretting his decision to let Morgan be his wingman. In another sweep of the room, she saw Garcia tearing up the dance floor in all her flamboyant glory. Rossi was chatting to his old FBI buddies in a booth. And Hotch…Hotch was just having a quiet conversation with Beth, smiling and leaning in as he held her hand gently.

None of them were paying attention to the two female BAU agents. There was no one to interrupt JJ's predatory advance on the wavering agent Prentiss.

"Em."

Emily's head snapped back to JJ immediately, the sudden demand in her voice surprising the older agent.

" _Emily Prentiss."_ JJ fought the slur in her words, dragging out Emily's name as long as she could. She placed a hand on the brunette's cheek, cupping her face gently.

If Emily didn't know any better, she would have sworn that JJ was just playing at being drunk, that this contact was genuine. It seemed like she was the only one with a guilty conscience, with any conscience at all.

"JJ…" Emily chastised the blonde agent under her breath, grabbing JJ's free hand to pry it away from her face. But as soon as Emily let go, the younger woman sidled closer, her mischievous fingers trailing along Emily's tapered dress shirt, down along the curve of her belt, and into her back pocket.

"JJ!"

Emily's words were harsher this time, desperation slipping out as she hissed the blonde's name. She grabbed JJ's hand, holding it at her side. All the while, Jennifer Jareau just smiled a confident smile, an almost challenging air to her.

"JJ, don't do this. You're drunk."

JJ wrestled out of Emily's grasp, not having to try all that hard. She felt the lack of resistance and she smirked. "Well, that's never stopped you before, has it?"

Clenching her jaw and gnashing her teeth together, Emily took in a sharp breath. She felt a torrent of emotion well up inside her like bile. It had been a practiced façade for years, easier once Interpol took her in, but now, with JJ in front of her, things were different. It was hard to keep all the anger, the disappointment, and heartbreak at bay. However, Emily Prentiss was an expert of sorts, managing to keep her composure, managing to stop herself from breaking down in tears. She had wanted JJ for longer than she could remember, wondering if she ever held a place in the woman's heart. All those nights they snuck into each other's hotel rooms, and all those nights where JJ told Will she was working late… Did any of it amount to anything at all? At the time, it felt like everything to Emily, but now, she doubted her thoughts, her feelings, and her intentions.

JJ held Emily's gaze, unwilling to back down. For a split second, the blonde's eyes softened, her baby blues inquisitive as she searched Emily's face for the answer she so wanted.

Emily's heart ached.

JJ's unadulterated compassion shone through, battering the clusterfuck of emotions brewing behind Emily Prentiss' mask. With one look, Emily realized that there was one thing she knew for sure. She knew that JJ deserved her perfect life, the life that she'd wished for since she was a girl. It was a life where she had people who loved and cared for her, people who would never leave or run because of their own insecurities. Emily knew her own flaws and she couldn't risk JJ's life for what they had, for what they could have had.

They shared passionate, but torturous years of lies, of lust, and of… _compartmentalization_.

Emily wondered what part of her allowed her to think that all she wanted from JJ was physical. Taking a breath, she conceded to a logical defense. JJ deserved better.

"I know, but at that time, you didn't have Henry." Emily's eyes were wet with emotion, the alcohol weakening her stone-cold façade. "And you weren't married."

JJ's demeanor changed, her seductive composure crumbling as she saw the tears prick at Emily's eyes. She sighed, shaking her head as she continued to invade Prentiss' personal space. They were only inches apart, their foreheads touching, their breaths hot on each other's cheeks.

"I know you're trying to protect me, Em, but..."

In a strangled whisper, JJ's voice threatened to break, but she got the words out through clenched teeth.

Emily could only register the salty taste of JJ's tear stained lips, the remnants of their hesitation fading fast. It was like the floodgates had opened, letting past feelings and illusions of love and lust consume them both. It was a bold move to make. They both knew what would happen once they took this step, feeling the desire override all rhyme and reason.

Emily finally understood JJ's need for her liquid courage, the blonde's heavy words still echoing in her head.

"… _please, just let me be the bad guy here."_

* * *

 **A/N:** Hello, thanks for reading! Trying my hand at some CM ff here... I'm sure the themes/scenario are terribly overdone, but I just couldn't help it. I love JJ/Emily and I've been re-watching CM eps during my exam period.

Please review if you have any comments/questions/criticism! Thanks!


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